I'm just so tired

I know no one reads this so i feel safe here. I've had a lot happening and i need to have it some medium other than my head so i don't collapse under it. My parents are getting divorced. I have a serious problem with not liking myself to the point of wanting to run away and never come in contact with people ever again. When i wake up sometimes i just don't want to be alive. Not 'oh i don't feel like getting up', it's really 'i don't want to be alive'. My friends have no clue i feel this way because i move them in every direction except the actual one i am going. Seriously, they're oblivious and it's because i want them to be. i really don't wish myself on anyone but they all like me even though i'm sure they know i'm hiding something. i play guitar to forget everything but i just remember it when i'm done. my God does nothing but love me and i am supposed to offer myself as a living sacrifice and i just can't wrap my head around why he loves me. i hurt when i think, i hurt when i try not to think, and i hurt when i still can't quit thinking. My self esteem is at an all time low and i don't know why. i'm having trouble sleeping. my thoughts that never stop race from one thing to another so fast sometimes i wonder how i'm thinking about one thing when i started on something completely different. my mind plays tricks on me when i'm trying to sleep and when i first wake up. i don't allow anyone to get truly close to me. my best friend who i talk to a lot has no idea about half this stuff. i've talked to someone about some of it but i didn't give them the whole story either. i feel Jesus must have felt like this sometimes. no understood him fully until after he rose and then he had to leave. that's why the apostles felt the way they did when they finally realized who he was. that's why they were so anxious to do his work. and if you think about it our faith today has to be a hundred fold greater than theirs because we don't have him with us walking around performing miracles. i just feel so lonely in a world where i'm surrounded by people. and i shouldn't with as big of a 'family' as i have. but i don't want to bother anyone with my real problems. they have their own to deal with. to give an example, i don't like it when anyone hits me, because all my father did when i was a kid was hit me or kick me or slap me or whatever if he thought i wasn't behaving properly. girls find it necessary to hit me when i make fun of them for whatever reason, but instead of telling them about being hit by my father i tell them i have enough respect not to hit them so i would appreciate it if they didn't hit me. but they still do it because they think i'm being ridiculous. and they keep hitting me and i repeat it, but i refuse to tell them the real story. it's not their problem. maybe if i did tell others the whole story they might begin to understand me, but i don't feel it necessary to burden them. i burdened my last girlfriend with too much of it, and that's part of the reason i broke up with her. she deserves better than having to deal with me and my problems on a daily basis. that's why i don't think i'll ever find love again. i really don't want anyone to be burdened by me. i've watched my parents argue and fight and whatever else over the past 21 years and it's mainly about communication and problems. i would really like to be able to love but i don't want anyone to have to put up with me and my insecurities and problems and shortcomings. i don't know, maybe someday someone will trick me into letting them in and they'll be able to handle it but for now i'll just sit here and watch everyone else. it's not worth it to put such a heavy yoke on someone i'm supposed to love. God's yoke is easy but my yoke is really heavy. i don't know why i'm hanging onto it either when i should give it to him. what's a puny human's problems compared to the splendor and majesty of YVWH Adonai? i cry when i think of his loving kindness and his longing for me. my heart aches when i know i haven't given him absolutely everything. Psalm 139 talks about how he knows everything about me, and he does so because he wants to be my closest friend. i tell him more than i tell my human friends that's for sure and i ask him so many questions about everything that i fall asleep talking to him because it's the only thing that slows my train of thought. sitting here typing about my Creator makes me feel better. astounding isn't it how he permeates my very existence. our middle school pastor gave a short sermon having to do with God in us, and i felt it was very good. it is written in Jeremiah 33 that he will forgive our sins and remember them no more and we shall be his people with his law written on our hearts. that's my struggle in a nutshell. all of these things are happening and i feel certain ways about myself yet i am at conflict because i'm trying to uphold God's word written on my heart. i read the scriptures and i know what he wants for me and i strive for it but i'm just not there yet! and i won't ever be until that day when Jesus comes back to get me. there's no possible way for me to be perfect at all or even somewhat decent, and yet i am in such turmoil it just frustrates me. i want it all to end and to be at peace. i had some for a few hours the other day. it was straight from heaven because nothing going on could have given it to me, and i thank God for giving that to me even if for just a little while. i believe he wanted me to just know what it was. if anyone does read this i want you to know that i'm sorry for dumping this on you. i'm sorry you read all of this thinking maybe i would breakdown and go crazy and you would get a laugh but this is pure emotion shown in my words. i am not one to show my emotions, seeing as that would let people get a little closer to me. but God loved me enough to send his son to die for me, only to be raised again and conquer death so that i might have eternal life with the Father, so i won't ever go completely crazy and abandon hope. Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. such a wonderful verse. in my faith is where i find my hope because Jesus laid it out for me. but anyway that's just some stuff i had to get off of my chest and somewhere else besides just my head. spread the weight around a little. and now reader you can see the train of thought mind racing picture i laid out earlier. but i'm done for now. Goodnight all, pleasant dreams...

I'm never good enough

I'm in shambles
I'm in need of a surrender
I can't handle
Anymore of this...

Shiela Jo. An ode to my guitar. Because I have no idea who it's really about.

Here's an older one, but it still gets performed by my band. It's not my favorite, but everyone else seems to like it. So i guess it's a good song.


So tell me
Why'd you put on that face again?
You're far too lovely
To hide behind that caked on sin

Why?
Do you try,
To be,
What you already are

And you're so radiant
You know you shine like the midday sun
And your smile
Brightens up everyone

Why?
Do you try,
To be,
What you already are

Everyday you turn the page
In this story that lasts an age
And every word is about you
And every beautiful thing you do

So try
Don't be blind
And see
What you already are

This just came to me tonight: The One

It's really poppy, and definitely a praise song, but it got written none the less. Plus i secretly love pop music. Don't tell anyone. I know this information is safe here because only like 3 people read this blog and i'm sure they already know. But anyways, here it is.

The One

You cause the blind to see
You make the dumb speak
You cause the lame to leap
You even rescued me

You cause me to see
Your invisible deeds
You never ever sleep
Your Spirit is in me

You are the One
You set me free
The nations will shout
Of Your Great Love

With You I stand
You are in command
Holding in Your hands
Forever in Your plan

You cause me to see
Your invisible deeds
You never ever sleep
Your Spirit is in me

You are The One
You set me free
the nations will shout
Of Your Great Love

Take all of me
Forever with You I’ll be
Here I am
Forever with You I’ll stand

Just an update

Haven't posted anything in a while. Been practicing the songs already written and not writing lately. But I assure you all, I'm sure I'll get a spark and write something new sometime in the near future. Just an update for now since I haven't been writing. Soon though, I'm sure I'll blow you all away...heh yeah right

The Straightlaced Rebellion: Part 3: The Ocean Calls Back to Me

The Ocean calls back to me
And sometimes i visit that terrible Sea
It's not that i even want to go
But often it seems I have no control
I feel everything around me
The salt air smelling so familiar
And for more than just a second
I feel like jumping in
Then You call my name
And I pretend not to notice
Then You call my name
And I can't help but notice...

The Straightlaced Rebellion: Part 2: The Sea of Despair

Drowning in a Sea of Despair
I reached for a small raft
There was enough to sustain me there
But I longed just to go Home
Open water so deep
I even heard it in my sleep
Then one day a thought occurred to me
Why am I letting this be?
My signal soared into the sky
Bright and moonlit in my eyes
And in the distance...
I heard a horn cry

The Straightlaced Rebellion: Part one: I'd rather run

Running away
On a ship to some Nineveh
Sleeping through storms
Instead of choosing
Your voice faded to a whisper
Lost in the winds of my mind
But You never really left did You?
I simply couldn't see the works of Your hand
Your writing on the wall
the focus of Your plan
And in my blindness I jumped ship
Headlong into disaster